The Adventures of the NSP

Its been almost 7 yrs of NYC life for me & somehow I have still not gotten used to the cold winter weather that we get here. I officially pulled out the Big Ass Coat a few days ago. The weather has been up & down so far but today Old Man Winter decided to try to make love to my face. Thank goodness for protection! I also made sure to bring my lunch that way I wouldn’t even have to leave until it’s time to go home. Work seems to be a little slow today which I am perfectly ok with. We got a tree for the office a few days ago & today is a little decorating party for it. My co-workers would do anything to celebrate 4pm happy hr. I knew there was something about this place I liked! So until then I guess it’s just me, my itunes & my thoughts.

December has crept upon me & Xmas is about to start tap, tap, tapping at my chamber door. I put my own tree up right after Thanksgiving. Its all decorated in blue & siver & I even picked out the Angel myself. Jordan has put a train around the bottom & even a little village scene going on. We have our equal amounts of Xmas & Chanukah. Its quite the site. I think this is the first time in years that I am actually excited for the holidays. December doesn’t seem to bring much happiness for my family. I have been quietly not looking forward to today as well. It was 3 years ago that my grandmother passed away. Next week marks the year anniversary of my step fathers death as well. So for my mom & my 2 sisters I imagine that they are gonna have a lot of their minds. I was talking with my sister Andrea the other day & I have to say she’s grown into quite the young lady that I always hoped she would be. For the first time in a long time I was really hoping that I could go down to North Carolina for Xmas but unfortunately it doesn’t look like I can do that. What’s gonna be great is that I’m gonna have a whole week off but what sucks a great deal is that I will not be getting paid. But Xmas in NYC isn’t bad at all. I’ll be here with my own family of sorts you can say. I’m sure the food will be wonderful & the amounts of wine will be plentiful.

The whole thought of it is actually kind of bittersweet though. Last night Jordan was saying that no one should spend Xmas alone when it occurred to me I couldn’t even remember what I did 3 yrs ago. I may have possibly spent it alone. I’m sure I went out somewhere with some friends or something. But, my state at that time was not the best. A lot of that time is somewhat blocked from my memory. My grandmother had always seem to be the one to get everyone together. And after she was gone it felt like there was no reason to celebrate. Xmas was always such a happy & fun time for me as a child. I ofcourse looked forward to getting plenty of presents….what kid doesn’t? We would show up for dinner & watch the parade on tv & have dinner. My grandmother would alway have to fix macaroni & cheese for me since I was a ‘pick pus’. As years would go by the events pretty much stayed the same. Grandma would yell at mom for being late. My grandmother would tell her that she would be late for her own funeral. My mom would make an angry face. My grandfather would then pick at her for making said face. My aunt & I would get together & I’d ofcourse tell her how my mom was driving me crazy. My sisters were still little & they would be fighting over something. My step father would be pretty quiet unless provoked by my grandfather to gab about the race that was gonna be on tv. Then he could chat for days. We all had our roles. Its what families do I guess.

Its the way I would like to remember it. Because for too long I only remembered the bad. Things feel a little different this year. Recently I noticed my sister had put her screenanme as ‘In my dreams you never died.’ It was so odd to see that. These days when I dream about them(my family) I’m younger and everyone is still there. I wasn’t incredibly close with my step father & I think his relationship with me was about the same it was with his own son. I’m not quite sure he knew what to do with me. I was another man’s child after all. But one of my funniest memories of him was when I was 16. After a long day of track practice & school I came home to find my mother so outraged that I thought steam was gonna come out of her ears. She had come across the porn video that I had in my vcr. For a devout southern baptist woman this was the worst thing on earth for me to have. So Sammy(my step-father) comes home & sees her raving & looks at me with the look of ‘what have you done now?’ So she tells him & not even 5 minutes later he comes into my room & says, “Um how bout u come with me to go milk the cows?” I had never went with him before & I had never had an inkling to do so but on this day that literally sounded like the brand new hotness. So off we went. Sammy had land where he kept his cows, chickens, roosters, dude! name it & it was there. While in the truck I really wasn’t talking & at the time all I could think of was that everyone must think I have a filthy mind. So he finally says, “Do you know what? Looking at that stuff ain’t bad. Hell I would have liked to see some of it myself. Too bad your mom is gonna throw it away!” It broke the ice & I laughed. “You don’t need to tell her I said. How bout we just keep that as our secret?” We then talked about a lot of things that a father & son would do kind of thing. When we got to all the cows & other said animals he didn’t even try to ask if me if I wanted to do the milking. I guess he figured I’d been milking & jerking things enough.

Funnily enough my first porn was from my Grandparents. Grandparents spoil you & let you do everything that your parents don’t. Mine were the same only they were cooler. They were younger than all of my friends grandparents. Yep, everyone did everything really early in my family. I guess I can’t blame my mom for thinking I was out getting someone preggers! Even though that was not the case. I was incredibly virginal when everyone else was getting crazy. I saved my craziness for my 20’s but obvi thats a WHOLE other blog…..then again you could just read any of the other posts I’ve written. I should state that they didn’t give it to me but I just happenned to stumble upon & like a horny teenager, I figured I would just borrow it. Oops! Sorry gramps!

Being that my grandparents were cooler than most I finally felt the need to give them the dish that their only grandson wasn’t gonna be getting married anytime soon. Initially I think my grandmother had a harder time with it then my grandfather. But it didn’t take long. I think she always looked at me as the son she never had. My grandmother & mom would tend to get into fights a lot that would concern my welfare. I’ve said it before……I never questioned my family’s love for me. My only fear was that one day they wouldn’t be there. As time passes I find that I get more emotional over things that used to never phase me. I must be getting soft. I think my ‘I can make it alone’ stance came even harder after her passing. It was a crazy time & in my head I felt like someone needed to be strong. But by doing that I don’t think I let myself properly grieve. But as time has gone by I have learned that she is always with me. All my memories leaves her leagacy still here so to speak. She lives on in the stories I remember her telling me. When I would do talent shows I would sometimes sing Unchained Melody & that always made her so happy because it was her favorite song. She would sit & watch the tape of me doing it over & over. She was one of my biggest supporters when it came to me acting, dancing or singing. After I moved to NYC & would come back to visit she would always hug me longer & would cry. She’d say, “I know you gotta leave but I still hate to see you go.” Recently I had a dream about it. But this time after she said it, I did something different. I said, “Well you know what…..NYC ain’t going nowhere yet. How bout I stay & you can make me tomato soup & grilled cheese?” I woke up right after & I smiled because I loved her soup & grilled cheese like no others. Grilled cheese hasn’t been the same since.

The Escape Club had a song called ‘I’ll Be There’ that came out in 1991. I always loved it & still have the cassingle. In case my sisters are reading I’m sure you could find it on limewire. Yes Vadim, I just gave limewire a shout out. Its a simple song & for the past 3 yrs the lyrics hold so much more meaning to me. I kind of attribute it to her & maybe one day I can sing it on a stage & dedicate it to her. Until then……..

Over mountains, over trees
Over oceans, over seas
Across the desert
I’ll be there
In a whisper on the wind
On the smile of a new friend
Just think of me
And I’ll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
Over rivers, over streams
Through wind & rain
I’ll be there
Across the wide and open sky
Thousands of miles I’d fly
To be with you
I’ll be there

In the breath of a wind that sighs
Oh there’s no need to cry
Just think of me
And I’ll be there

Don’t be afraid oh my love
I’ll be watching you from above
And I’d give all the world tonight
To be with you
Because I’m on your side
And I still care
I may have died
But I’ve gone nowhere
Just think of me
And I’ll be there